Tale of the Dragonborn
by Matt3928th
Summary: The Dragonborn has just escaped from Helgen. What does Skyrim hold for this guy who wants to be on vacation but can't? Who will he meet along the way? How will they screw up his life? Rated for lots of language, graphic violence and lemon scenes.
1. Chapter 1- You're F--ked Now!

This story contains strong language, graphic violence and sexual content of a graphic nature. This story is NOT for readers under the age of 18.

I don't own Skyrim. Bethesda does.

Skyrim

_Tale of the Dragonborn_

Crownoh watched as Hadvar walked away down the side of the mountain. They had literally just escaped Helgen with their lives before Hadvar was running away, so to speak. "Great." Crownoh muttered to himself. "I'm on vacation for five minutes and I get busted for crossing the border. Fan-fucking-tastic." he said to himself as he watched the Nord walk away. "Well, guess I better head to Riverwoodie like he suggested. Who names a village Riverwoodie anyway?" he asked as he started following the trail.A few minutes later, he came across a mine being guarded by one mean looking motherfucker. This bastard was fucking tall and built like a statue. Crownoh hid in the bushes, hoping like crazy this tall son of a bitch wouldn't see him. unfortunately, Crownoh was as stealthy as a yak during mating season. So, needless to say, the guy guarding the mine door saw him. "Oh, you're fucked now, pipsqueak!" the bandit yelled as he pulled out a pair of iron axes. "Fuck!" Crownoh yelled as he drew his own sword. The bandit rushed him and swung his right ax upwards towards Crownoh's head. Crownoh ducked to his right and punched the bandit with a hard right hook, forcing him to drop his left ax. Being left-handed, Crownoh then swung his sword at the bandit's gut, cutting the prick deep. The bandit yelped in pain, his free hand shooting to his wound. "Fucker!" he yelled as he head butted Crownoh, breaking his nose. The bridge of Crownoh's nose split, gushing blood on his face. "AW, SHIT!" Crownoh yelled as he backed up, temporarily blinded. The bandit backhand pimp-slapped him, knocking Crownoh off his feet. Crownoh saw the bandit raise his ax to finish him off. He looked down slightly and kicked the guy in the balls. The tall guy dropped his ax and cupped his nuts as he fell over, whimpering like a bitch. Normally when a guy gets hit there, it's ok if he groans in pain. But this guy was moaning like a complete and utter pussy, the bitch. Crownoh grabbed his sword and climbed to his feet. "You're fucked now." Crownoh said just before he stabbed the bandit in the throat and twisted the blade, making the hole bigger so more blood would spray out. And spray out it did, Quentin Tarantino style. Crownoh held his arm up to stop the blood from hitting his already blood covered face. "Dick." Crownoh said to the now dead bandit with a big fucking hole in his neck. Crownoh then walked over to the mine and went in. A short way down the tunnel, he heard voices. "Great. More bandits." he said as he blew out a torch. As he walked down the corridor, he came to a small cavern with a bridge. Two bandits were just below him near a pool of water. They were talking about some elf they captured.

"That elf cunt's locked up in the holding cell. The fucking cunt was trying to steal my sweet roll." one bandit said. "A sweet roll? Are you fucking kidding me?" the other bandit asked. "No Dumbfuck, she was after the boss's gold. Then again, 50 million gold is enough to make anyone want to rob the boss." "50 million?" Crownoh whispered to himself. "Shit, I gotta be a part of that." Crownoh said as he pulled out a knife to throw at one of them. "And did you see her huge tits?" the other bandit said. Crownoh stopped himself before he could throw his knife. "I know, they're amazing! I'm gonna fuck that bitch and tell Trock all about it. Poor bastard doesn't know what he's missing by staying outside all fucking day." "C'mon, let's go get some elf pussy." his friend said as they turned to walk away. Crownoh threw his knife and hit the bandit on the left in the back. The bandit screamed as his buddy looked up to where Crownoh was. "Intruder! Get him!" he yelled. The two bandits rushed up the ramp and charged at Crownoh. The one with the knife in his back reached Crownoh first and swung at him. Crownoh ducked to the side and let the first bandit pass him. He yanked the knife out of the bandit's back, turned and slit the throat of the second bandit before he turned to the first bandit and stabbed him in the left eye. Crownoh then pulled out his sword and decapitated him. Both bandits fell to the floor, blood gushing all over Crownoh. "Gods damn it." Crownoh said. "I better wash this blood off. I look like a used tampon ." Crownoh jumped into the pool, turning the water way red. He swam back to shore and looked at the pool. "Shit, looks like someone stabbed Mr. Bubble." Meanwhile, at the Family Guy studio, one of the writers just happened to be reading this story and said "Hey, this guy copied our joke! Let's sue him!" (Please don't sue me, Family Guy).

"Now I gotta lower that bridge." Crownoh said. He looked around and quickly found the lever that lowered said bridge. As the bridge lowered, another bandit crossed it, looking for the other two bandits. "Quincy? Dumbfuck? Where are you guys?" Crownoh threw his knife and missed because the bandit was moving slightly faster than he anticipated. "Motherfucker!" Crownoh said loudly, before he realized what he'd done. "Dumbfuck, is that you?" the bandit asked. "Uh, sure...why not?" Crownoh replied. "Ok. Well, anyway, the boss wants you and that Redguard chick to guard the elf." The bandit looked down at the pool and saw it was full of blood. "Hey...Koolaid!" he said before he dove off the bridge and headfirst into a rock, splattering his head like a watermelon at a Gallagher show. Crownoh shook his head. "Dumbass." He crossed the bridge and went down the corridor, quickly finding a cage. "I wonder if that elf chick's down here." Crownoh said. "Yeah, she is." a voice to his right said. He turned in the direction the voice came from and his eyes turned the size of dinner plates. In the cage was an elf woman with a long, white braid, ears that stuck sideways out of her head and amazingly huge tits, just like those bandits said they were. And she was completely naked too. Footsteps suddenly came closer to the cage. "It's the guard. Hide yourself." she said. Crownoh didn't hear a single word of it. Namely because he was staring at her huge knockers. Seriously, they were easily DD cups at the very least. "The guard is coming! Hide yourself!" she whispered. "Boobies..." Crownoh drooled, still ogling her figure. "You can fuck me later, hide yourself!" she said. "...ok..." Crownoh replied as he shuffled his feet behind a support beam. The redguard approached the cage and held her torch near the elf. "What are you talking about?" she asked the elf. "My burning desire for you!" the elf said before pulling the redguard woman towards the cage and kissing her hard on the lips while snaking her right arm around her shoulder until her hand was on the back of the redguard's neck. Crownoh's jaw dropped to the floor and his eyes went dinner plate wide again. The redguard's eyes widened when she felt the elf's tongue in her mouth. The elf moaned seductively as she slid her hand down the redguard's pants and starting fingering her. Crownoh instantly got a boner, which hit the support beam, causing him to bend over, hit his head on the support beam and knock himself out. He fell to the ground with a loud thud. The redguard broke the kiss and looked in Crownoh's direction. "What was that?" she said. The elf moved her hand from the back of the redguard's neck to her chin and snapped her neck to the point where her head was backwards on her body. The redguard fell to the mine floor, blood oozing out of her nose and ears. The elf reached through the bars, took the cage keys and unlocked the door. She walked over to Crownoh, noting his boner, the bump on his head and his broken nose. 'What the hell happened to this guy?' she thought to herself. As she knelt down to see if he was still breathing, she saw his clothes were soaked. 'He'll get sick if he stays in those wet clothes.' she thought as she looked him over. Her fingers brushed against his nose when he regained conscience and sat up, his face going right into her ample bosom. Mmmm...bosom. Er, sorry, I lost track. Crownoh realized where his face was and smiled stupidly, happy he came across this mine. The elf frowned slightly and put her hands on her hips. "Do you mind?" she asked. Crownoh regretfully took his face out of her bosom and looked her in the eye. "I swear that was an accident." "You do but your boner doesn't." she blushed lightly. Crownoh looked at his pants and turned beet red. "I, uh...well..." Crownoh babbled. "Like I said, you can fuck me later. Right now, let's just focus on getting out of this mine." the elf told him as she stripped the dead redguard and put on her clothes. "By the way, the name is Miria." she told him. "Crownoh." he said as he climbed to his feet. "First thing's first though. I hear the mine boss has 50 million in gold. And I'm not leaving 'till I get it." Miria smiled at him. "Honey, we've got some gold to steal."

Suddenly, Trock, the big motherfucker from out front, tackled Crownoh and Miria. "Got you now, bitches!" he growled. "How the hell are you still alive?" Crownoh asked as he stood up. Trock just stood there for a few seconds looking at them before he lunged. Crownoh jumped out-of-the-way and Trock smacked headfirst into the support beam. "Oh fuck. RUN!" Miria shouted. They ran down the tunnel that led to another cavern, except they didn't have time to stop. "What the fuck?!" a bandit said as Crownoh and Miria ran towards him. Crownoh ran by and decapitated the guy, his head shooting up like a blood filled firecracker. "Get those fuckers!" the bandit boss yelled. Miria and Crownoh ran across a rope bridge, the bandits not too far behind. Crownoh turned around and cut the rope, snapping the bridge and dropping the bandits to the cavern floor. Trock fell and was impaled on a rock. He tried to pull himself off but the rock split and ripped him in half at the waist. As Miria ran to the mine exit, she saw a chest with a florescent light that said 'BANDIT TREASURE: 50 MILLION IN GOLD HERE'. "Well, that's convenient." She said as she picked the chest up with surprising ease. They quickly ran out of the mine and came to the top of a hill looking down at a river. Crownoh looked up and down the river, trying to get his bearings. "Ok. I think Riverwoodie is just down that way." he pointed. "It's Riverwood." Miria told him. "The town's called Riverwood." "Riverwood? Then why the hell did Hadvar say it was Riverwoodie?" "Who's Hadvar?" Miria asked, almost sounding like she was slightly jealous. "He's the guy that helped me escape from Helgen, right after a dragon attacked." "A dragon?" Miria asked, her eyes full of disbelief. "Yeah. Motherfucker burned the place down before I could be executed." "Why were you going to be executed?" she asked him. "I was crossing the border so I could go on vacation when Ulfric Dickhead runs into me with half the fucking Imperial army after him. They thought I was with him so they arrested me too." "Vacation, huh?" Miria asked. Crownoh nodded his head. "Well I'll tell you what." she said with a seductive look. "Split this gold with me. And when we get to town I'll give your dick a real vacation." she smiled as she placed her hand on his crotch. "Sounds like a plan." he said as the elf leaned in to kiss him.

Suddenly, Trock, the big motherfucker from out front, leapt onto Crownoh's back. "You're really fucked now!" Trock shouted as Crownoh lost his balance. "How is he not dead yet?" Miria yelled. Crownoh spun around in circles, trying to get the (now mini sized) bandit off of him. Trock lost his grip and flew into a tree. Crownoh quickly ran over and grabbed one of Trock's intestines. The bandit shouted and cursed as Crownoh swung him around like a grotesque ball and chain. When Crownoh let go, the bandit flew towards the riverbank, bounced off a log and landed face first in the river. Crownoh quickly ran over and pushed Trock's face into the stream. Trock flailed his arms and blew bubbles as Crownoh held him under. Eventually Trock stopped moving, so Crownoh let go. As Crownoh turned towards Miria to walk away from the riverbed, Trock again lunged at him. Crownoh caught him by the arm this time and yelled "FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DIE ALREADY!" as he flipped Trock over his head and onto a boulder before snapping what was left of his neck. Miria ran up to him."Are you ok?" she asked worryingly. "Yeah, I'm fine. It..." Crownoh stopped mid sentence and looked at Trock. Miria looked at Trock, then back to Crownoh. Half a minute went by. Trock didn't move. Crownoh stared at Trock for a few more seconds before turning back to Miria. "It's kinda hard to hurt me." Crownoh continued. Miria walked over and gently tapped Crownoh on the nose. "Aw, shit! I forgot about that!" Crownoh yelled as he recoiled in pain. "I'm sorry Crownoh. Can you forgive me?" she asked him with puppy dog eyes. "You tapped me on my broken nose, I don't think...". Crownoh didn't finish that sentence because Miria had taken he shirt off, purposely dangling her breasts in front of him. "Can you?" she said before jiggling her twins. Crownoh looked at her boobs, hypnotized by their suppleness. "...ok..." Crownoh murmured. "Alright then." Miria said as she put her shirt back on. Crownoh snapped out of his trance and remembered the chest with 50 million gold. He ran over to it and opened it. Sure enough, there was 50 million gold in there. He could tell because there were 50 $1,000,000 gold coins in the chest. Miria looked in the chest, grabbed Crownoh by the shirt collar and kissed him Bugs Bunny style. Even had that loud popping sound when she pulled away."Ahhhwwww..." Crownoh groined because of his nose. "Whoops! Sorry." she said before grabbing the bridge of his nose and snapping it back into place.

A short time later, they were finally coming up to the edge of Riverwood. Miria looked at Crownoh. "You're not mad at me about your nose, are you?" she asked. Crownoh turned to her. Miria grimaced. Crownoh's nose had swollen up big time. Seriously, it looked like he got stung in the nose by a giant bee or something. Crownoh just looked at her, his nose visible pulsating. Miria had a look like someone puked on her bare feet or something. "Well, how 'bout I buy you a drink at the inn?" she asked, trying to make him less pissed looking. Crownoh thought for a few seconds before saying "ok". But man, did he sound congested. Given how swollen his nose was though, it was understandable. The two of them walked into the local trader. "Hello, welcome to the Riverwood traders. I'm Lucien, how can I help you today?" the owner said. "Hi. Do you have any healing spells available? My friend here has a broken nose." Miria told the owner. Lucien looked at Crownoh. "Crap, woman! You weren't kidding!" Lucien shouted when he saw Crownoh's severely swollen nose. Annoyed, Crownoh exhaled loudly and looked to his left slightly. ''Weren't kidding about what?" Camilla, Lucien's totally hot sister asked as she came down the steps to the second floor. She took one look at Crownoh and raised a hand over her mouth. "Oh my!" she exclaimed. "Here, come upstairs, I'll give you something to get the swelling down." Camilla said as she took Crownoh by the hand and led him and Miria upstairs. "Uh, hey! Don't get any ideas about my sister." Lucien called up. "I'll be at the Sleeping Giant Inn if you need me." he called up to his sister. "Alright." she called back down. Camilla lightly pushed Crownoh into a chair and got a damp rag. "How did you come by this?" she asked as she dabbed the rag at his nose. "We encountered bandits earlier." Miria said as she crossed her arms. "Oh my." Camilla exclaimed. "Are either of you hurt? " she asked. "Other than my nose, no." Crownoh said. "Well, you two can stay here tonight." Camilla said. "We thank you, but what about your brother?" Miria asked. "He only runs the shop. I live here, he has a hut out back." "Alright, we'll stay. But there's only two beds. Won't one of us have to sleep on the floor?" Crownoh asked. "Because of your injury, I think it's best you share a bed with me." Camilla timidly told him. "I'll share a bed with you." Miria said. "If you think that's best, than ok." Camilla responded. Crownoh raised his eyebrows slightly, interested in where this might be going. Camilla turned back to Crownoh with a bottle of ointment. "This might sting a little." she said as she applied some to the rag. Camilla pressed the rag to Crownoh's nose. Outside, people heard a muffled scream, looked around briefly and went back to what they were doing.

Late that evening, Crownoh shifted under the covers. His nose was no longer swollen, but damn did that sting. As he finally got comfy, he heard a soft moan. He opened his eyes slightly and looked around. Meh, probably nothing. He closed his eyes. There it was again. A soft moan. He opened his eyes and looked around the room. Nothing but Camilla lifting her nightgown off and tossing it to the floor before sucking on one of Miria's large titties. Crownoh closed his eyes to- WAIT A MINUTE! He opened his eyes and looked again. Sure enough, Miria and Camilla were both naked and touching each other! Crownoh's mouth hung slightly open as he watched. Miria kissed Camilla passionately before trailing kisses down her neck to her stomach to finally between her legs. Camilla moaned as Miria slowly licked her clit, up and down at first. Then left to right, back and forth, sending waves of pleasure through her body. Camilla stroked the elf's hair as she cooed from Miria's tongue. Miria inserted her tongue into Camilla's pussy and licked in a circle as she inserted her right index finger under her tongue and began sliding it in and out. Camilla moaned even louder as Miria sucked one of her pussylips into her mouth, sucking it lovingly. "Mmmm, make me cum." Camilla purred as she watched her sexual partner go to town on her. Miria removed her finger and pressed her whole mouth against Camilla's cunt. Camilla's head shot back and a loud moan escaped her lips as she came. Miria licked up all of Camilla's cum and kissed her way up to her breasts. "Oooo, you like my breasts, don't you?" She said as Miria sucked gently on her nipple. "Oh, I love em'." Miria told her as she licked a circle around the hard nipple. Camilla sighed contentedly as she continued stroking Miria's hair. "Ok, honey it's my turn. "Camilla grinned before kissing Miria again. As their tongues invaded each other's mouth, Camilla pulled Miria's lower body up to her. Miria stood up, turned so she saw facing Camilla's feet and sat on her face. Camila gave two small licks before moving her face into Miria's vagina. Miria leaned forward and placed her hands on Camilla's tits for leverage. "Ahh, ahh, ohh..." she moaned as she began raising and lowering her pelvis onto Camilla's eager tongue. She came quickly and squirted all over Camilla's face. Camilla licked continuously as Miria's love juices splashed her face, soaking her hair and pillow. Miria arched her back and moaned before leaning forward and 69ing with Camilla.

Crownoh had quite a boner by now. His dick was literally holding up the blanket. He leaned forward, closer and closer to the women making hot, lesbianic love. unfortunately for him, he leaned too close to the edge of the bed and fell to the floor, boner first. Outside, another muffled scream was heard, only louder this time. Loud enough to wake up a stray dog and make him start barking. Later that night, Crownoh, Miria and Camilla pushed the two beds together, namely so a certain someone wouldn't fall out of bed boner first again. Crownoh was in the middle. Miria was behind him, her arm draped over him and her boobs squishing into his back. Camilla layed in front of him, her legs up against his and her face close enough to feel her breath on his beard. He was about to close his eyes when he saw Camilla lightly smiling at him. "I don't know why, but I really like you." she whispered. "You do?" he whispered back. "Yes. It's like I'm just drawn to you and powerless to resist." she said as she stroked Crownoh's left cheek with her hand. "You are?" he questioned. "Yes. I don't know why but, I think I love you." she said before inching closer to him and lightly kissing him. As she kissed him, she lead his arm around her body and placed his hand on her ass. having him squeeze it. She felt him get an erection and said "I think someone wants to come out and play." As she reached for Crownoh's pants, Miria farted. Real loud. Crownoh and Camilla screamed, covering their noses as they turned to her. Miria blushed, very embarrassed. "Sorry." she said before she farted again.


	2. Chapter 2- Ceiling Gloryhole

This story contains strong language, graphic violence and sexual content of a graphic nature. This story is NOT for readers under the age of 18.

I don't own Skyrim. Bethesda does.

Clouds slowly passed the full moon as a wolf howled. A lone figure wearing a dark cloak with a hood slowly moved along the shore of the river, almost as if it were floating. It approached the mangled body of Trock, the big motherfucker from the front of the mine. It help out a gloved hand, a hand that began to glow a purple/black as magicka crackled around its knuckles. With a strong flick of its wrist, it flung the glowing sphere of dark magicka at Trock, who began to twitch in extreme muscle spasms. As Trock's body glowed, his lower half grew back: bones first, then muscles and finally skin. With the creature's other hand, it cast telekinesis on Trock, picking him up and placing him on his now regrown feet. Trock's eyes rolled back down from inside his head before fading to entirely black. As the gaping hole in his neck closed and his spine snapped back into place, Trock held his arms and shoulders back and said "The world is fucked now. I. Am. Reborn!"

"Fuck Miria, did something crawl up your ass and die?" Crownoh asked as he lit a match, trying to get the smell of fart gas to dissipate. "Well excuse me for having a taco every once and a while!" she rebuked. Camilla stepped between them and said "It's alright. Lucien has gas that's much worse." Crownoh and Miria looked at each other, slightly stupefied looks on their faces. "Now if you don't mind, two of us are still naked and in the mood for love." she added. Crownoh cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "Well, if you put it that way..." he smiled. "Glad to hear it." Camilla said before tackling Miria to the floor and ravishing her again. Crownoh stood there for a second. "Oh." was all he could say as he watched the spectacle unfold on the floor. "Why don't you go get a drink?" Camilla asked him. "Yeah, no dicks this time." Miria added. "Oh..." Crownoh pouted before he walked downstairs.  
Outside, a drunk couple staggered out of the Sleeping Giant Inn, arm in arm, laughing and babbling incoherently. As the hammered duo kinda made their way to the street, they stopped as they saw a man with pitch black eyes and no pants standing in the middle of the road. "Ha, thisssh guyz' got noh pans..." the drunk guy said. The wasted woman walked up to him, looked at his dick and said "Musk be a cold nigh'. Wan' me to warm you up, babyyyy?" she said as she took hold of Trock's (apparently little) dick and started stroking it. Suddenly, Trock began glowing purplish-black, talons ripping through his fingers, splattering blood all over his hands. His eyes glowing red, fangs grew in his mouth as he snarled at her. The drunken pair coward slightly from him, watching his mutation in horror. Inside the Riverwood Traders, Crownoh finished taking a $1,000,000 gold coin out of the chest he and Miria found. "No dicks this time." he mockingly repeated Miria as he put the coin in his pocket. "Give me trouble 'cause my boner poked a hole in the floor. How can this get any more fucked up?" Suddenly, Miria looked through the boner sized hole in the ceiling and said "You know we can hear you." Crownoh's eyes went wide. "Ah." he said. All of a sudden, there was a woman's blood-curdling scream from outside. Crownoh looked at the door, grabbed his sword and ran outside. Half the town or at least the patrons from the bar were already outside, looking at where the scream came from. Crownoh looked to its source. In the street stood two women and a half naked- WHAT THE FUCK?! The bandit from the cave was here alive and looking right at him! Crownoh looked at the bandit wide eyed before he looked down slightly. He snickered to himself at the sight of Trock's little dick. "Cold out?" he laughed. Trock growled before his dick grew about a foot longer. And not as a boner either. Crownoh watched it grow bigger. "No." he said in shocked disbelief. Trock roared and threw a spell orb at him. Crownoh jumped out of the way and watched it turn the front door of the Riverwood Traders into birthday confetti. Crownoh raised an eyebrow in confusion, looked at Trock for a second and turned back to what was until just recently a door. Another spell orb whizzed past Crownoh, just barely missing his nose. Crownoh ran along the porch towards Sven's house. Sven's mother just happened to be walking outside at the time. "Sven, are you out here?" she said. Crownoh ran past her just before she was hit by one of Trock's spell orbs, turning her into a goat. "Heh, I always thought she was an old goat." Sven snickered. The goat looked at Sven and screamed at him (look up screaming goats, you'll see what I mean). Crownoh grabbed a chicken and flung it at Trock, who hit it with an orb. The chicken turned into a human and said "I'm a real boy!" before landing in pig shit. "You're fucked now!" Trock yelled at Crownoh, finally cornering him. "Hey!" an orc yelled before pushing his way through the crowd of bar patrons. "Come and fight me, bitch?" he said as he swayed side to side. Trock stared at him. This orc must've been wasted because he could barely stand. "And what are you gonna do?" Trock asked him. The orc held up a hand and raised a finger, about to say something, when instead he puked epically (like Brian Griffin when he found out he slept with Quagmire's dad). After several consecutive seconds of vomiting, the orc stopped, look at Trock and said "Simple. I'm gonna BLLAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He puked again. The puddle of barf was probably three inches deep by now. As Trock was about to cast another spell, his head blew up into gooey chunks that splattered all over the two women near him (yes, he turned the guy into a woman, wanna fight about it?). Everyone looked at Crownoh, who wasn't paying attention to anything going on in the street because Miria walked outside still naked. "Boobies." he drooled. Everyone looked around for what made Trock's head explode when they saw Sven's mother, still in goat form, holding a smoking double-barrel shotgun. ""Baaahhh." she said before walking away to eat some grass. Wait, where did she get the shotgun?

Anyway, the drunk orc staggered over to Trock's body. He kicked Trock to make sure he was dead before burping loudly. Crownoh walked over to him. "Thanks for distracting him. I couldn't've are you defecating on that dead guy?" he asked. The orc, who was shitting on the bandit while reading a newspaper that came outta nowhere, looked up at him and quietly farted. Crownoh raised an eyebrow as he looked at the pooping orc. Suddenly, the Deadric Prince of Madness faded into existence. "Who the fuck are you?" Crownoh pointed and asked. The Mad Prince smiled at him stupidly, his tongue hanging lazily out of his mouth. "Simple my good man. I am..." he stopped mid-sentence and got a look like he forgot what he was saying. "Fuck, it seems I can't remember my own name." he said, a whimsical look on his face as he stroked his beard thoughtfully. "CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!" he suddenly yelled before spontaneously river dancing in place. As the insane deity danced in place, storm clouds formed overhead and it literally began to rain wheels of cheese. Sven pointed up and laughed saying "Haha, it's raining cheese. Tha..." A block of cheese hit him square in the head and bounced of with a comical 'bonk', knocking him out. Then, Chickenlad (i.e. the chicken that got turned into a real boy) stood up and yelled "I'm a real..." -Splat- A cheese wheel the size of a small child landed on him and splattered all over as if it were fresh nacho cheese. Meanwhile the... Sheogorath, that's his name. Right. Anyway, Sheogorath, who was still river dancing and waving his beloved staff **Wabbajack** around, failed to notice the cart-sized cheeseblock falling towards him. He suddenly stopped, turned to the crowd of bar patrons behind him and said "If you took all the horses in Skyrim, killed them, then laid them end to end... people would be horrified!" The crowd just stood there, dumbfounded. Sheogorath looked right back at them questioningly. "What?" he said just before the cart sized cheese hit him and squished him like a bug. The **Wabbajack** flew from his hand and landed next to the orc. The orc reached down, picked it up and held it over his head exclaimimg "At last, I, Grog, have the power!" Alvor turned to his wife and said "Why is he quoting He-man?" before his wife shrugged. Grog lowered **Wabbajack** and said "I will now use my power to... turn that guy into a chicken, BLEH!" before turning Chickenlad back into a chicken. "Gods damn it Grog!" Chickenlad yelled angrily flapping his wings. "HAHA-HAHA-HA-HA, now you are a chicken, nahnah-nah-nah-nahnah!" Grog taunted. Meanwhile, at the South Park studio, one of the writers just happened to be reading this story and said "Hey, this guy copied our joke! Meh." (Please don't sue me, South Park).

Baffled beyond belief and still naked, Miria walked up to the **Wabbajack** toting drunk. "Your name is Grog?" "Yup." Grog gladly replied. "How the hell does that happen?" she asked. "It's very simple. When I was but a young orc BLLAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He puked again. This time all over Miria. She just stood there, horrified beyond belief at what just happened. Crownoh grabbed a conveniently placed bucket of water and dumped it on her, washing all the vomit off. "I'm real sorry about that." Grog apologized before Miria sucker-punched him and literally sent him flying across the street, headfirst into the tree across the street from the inn. She then threw her arms around Crownoh's neck and pulled him into a loving hug, not realizing he had a boner that was lifting her a couple inches off the ground. Sven regained consciousness, looking around the town. "What the heck just AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as the tree toppled over and landed on him. The two midget tree cutters that nobody seemed to notice before looked at the dead bard before one went "HOLY -**BLEEP**\- WE KILLED YOUR BARD! SQUISHED HIM LIKE A BUG!" Lucien came over to Riverwood Traders and saw the door missing. He turned and yelled "What happened to the door?" "That dead guy turned it into confetti." the woman who was until recently a man replied. "Who are you?" Lucien asked. "That's Vincent. She used to be a man." the other woman said. "I used to be a real boy." Chickenlad pouted, hanging his head kicking his foot over a small rock. "I used to be an chicken like you. But then I took an arrow to the knee." a guard from Whiterun said, gaining several glares before shrugging. Lucien looked at Chickenlad briefly, then back to Vincent. "Did that chicken just talk?"

A few minutes later, Crownoh, Miria and Lucien were back inside the store. Miria told him what happened before he raised questions. "So you mean to tell me that some bandit, one you killed yesterday..." "Repeatedly." Crownoh cut in. "...came into town, turned Vincent to a woman, made Sven's mother a goat and blasted my door?" "Yup." Crownoh and Miria said in unison. Lucien stared at them for a moment. "Are you fucking kidding me?" "Now Lucien! These two have done nothing wrong and brought some much needed joy to a lonely woman! I think you can cut them some slack!" Camilla said as she stomped her foot on the floor. "Why are you naked?" her brother asked. "None of your Gods damn business." she retorted. "Take me to bed." she told Miria before jumping into her arms bridal style. "Don't mind if I do." Miria said before making out with her on their way up the steps. Crownoh looked at Lucien, pointed at the stairs and said "I'm gonna follow them." before he went after them. "Hey, I said don't get any ideas about my sister!" Lucien called after him. He growled in frustration and looked up at the ceiling before he scowled. "Who put a gloryhole in my ceiling?!"

-**Sorry for the long time it took to update this. My pc crapped out and I had to save up to get a new one. I'm not overly thrilled with how this chapter turned out namely because I ran out of ideas for it, so I am open to suggestions for the next one. Two rules though: No man-man sex (not my thing) and no pot use. Anyway, next chapter-Is Trock really dead this time? Who really is Grog? Will Chickenlad always stay a chicken? Where did Sven's mother go? Is Sheogorath dead? Will the door to the Riverwood Traders be replaced? What will become of the gloryhole in Lucien's ceiling? And does anyone really give a shit? Find out next time!**


	3. Chapter 3- Wabbajacking Off

"Please have mercy on me, great warrior! My feeble wits are no match for your incredible skill!" the Stormcloak pleaded. Chickenlad the Invincible held the tip of his blade, Bah-Gok, under the Stormcloak's chin. Of the 58 men sent by Ulfric to slay the mighty poultry, this poor fool was the last one alive. Chickenlad the Invincible cocked (no pun intended) his head, the sun shining brightly off his beak as he stared at the man begging for his life. "Very well," Chickenlad said as he lowered Bah-Gok from the man's throat. "I, Chickenlad the Invincible, shall spare your pathetic life." The Stormcloak smiled evilly at the heroic rooster. "Fool!" he said. ""You have fallen into our trap! NOW!" he yelled. About 100 more of Ulfric Dickhead's lackeys appeared from nowhere to attack the courageous birdman. Chickenlad swiftly looked to his left, then back at the man before him. With the slightest move of his wrist, he beheaded the man and turned his attention to the soldiers rushing him. Completely unfazed by their sudden appearance, Chickenlad casually walked to the nearest goon and effortlessly blocked the man's sword with his own before barely moving his arm, cutting the man in half at the waist, sending his top half a few feet up into the air and to Chickenlad's right. Another Stormcloak charged at him waving a double sided axe. The man swung at Chickenlad who easily sidestepped out of the way. With the lightest swing of his hand, Chickenlad cut the axe-weilding man in half just below the armpit. The man's upper torso flipped away from his body as the rest of him slumped to the ground. To his left, a female Stormcloak ran at him, yelling as she held her greatsword over her head. Chickenlad turned to her, smiled and winked at her. The woman slowed to a stop and let her weapon slide from her hands to the ground behind her as she blushed and held her hands to her cheeks bashfully. The rest of Ulfric's idiots formed a tight mob and ran at him, thinking safety in numbers. Chickenlad pulled his head back, puffed out his chest and yelled "COCK-A-DOODLE-FUS!" The Stormcloak mob was suddenly hit by an intense gust of wind and went flying off a nearby cliff, screaming as they went. Victorious, the master chicken walked up to the blushing woman and said "Victory is mine, my dear." The woman instantly ripped off her clothes and said "Make love to me!"

"...and that's the story of my great ancestor Chickenlad." Ernie the giant chicken said to Peter. "You are so full of crap." Peter said as he walked away. "Don't you turn your back on me!" Ernie yelled before he threw a brick at Peter. Peter roared with rage and charged the giant chicken, resulting in a 45 minute chicken fight which we will not be covering. Anyway, back into the past...

"Wabbajack!" Grog shouted as he turned a beer mug into a toilet seat. "Will you stop doing that?" Delphine asked him as she held her hands on her hips. "Nope." Grog burped back at her. "I don't know why I bother." Delphine shook her head as she walked away. Lucien entered the bar not looking happy. "Dude, what's up?" Grog said wearing a plate like a hat. "The door to the Riverwood Traders is gone, there's a gloryhole in my ceiling and some elf chick is banging my sister. How would you be?" Lucien asked him. Grog thought for a moment. "Probably not that bad." he replied while balancing the toilet seat on his nose. "Figures." Lucien said, rolling his eyes as Vincent, the dude who looks like (and now is) a lady and Clara, the other woman wandered in. "Wabba-jack!" Grog shouted again as he turned a a turkey leg some guy was about to eat into a dildo. "Ah, come on!" the guy said. "Don't mind if I do." Clara said as she grabbed the dildo and Vincent by the hand, taking both of them into the nearest empty room and shutting the door. Grog, having seen what just happened, immediately stood up, threw his arms victoriously in the air and loudly said "Hooray for lesbians!" "Yay!" several of the bar patrons rather half-assed cheered. Inside the room, Clara was quickly yanking her clothes off. "What are you doing?" Vincent asked her. "I'm horny, we have a dildo and I want to fuck. Take off your clothes ." she said as she finished undressing. "But what about me? I'm a woman now!" Vincent rebuked. "You fucked me when you were a man so why should now be any different?" Clara asked as she pulled Vincent's pants and underwear down. "I wouldn't know how to fuck you now!" Vincent replied as Clara unbuttoned her shirt, leaving her naked too. "Then let me show you." Clara said seductively as she slowly leaned in to kiss Vincent. As the two women slowly kissed, Clara reached up and cupped Vincent's left breast with her hand, squeezing it tenderly. Vincent moaned into her mouth as her breast was squeezed. Certainly a new experience for her. As Clara ran her left hand down Vincent's side and rested it on her hip, Vincent wrapped one arm around Clara's neck, the other resting on her back, bringing her in for a deeper kiss before sticking her tongue in her lover's mouth. Their tongues wrestled, feeling and exploring each other's mouths. As the (apparently now lesbian) lovers kissed, Vincent leaned back, both of them landing softly on the bed. Clara pulled away and kissed her way down Vincent's jaw to her neck where she stopped and sucked, leaving a decent sized hickey. Vincent moaned as the kisses and sucking moved farther down her throat to her collarbone. "Mmm, that's feels so nice." she said as she ran her fingers through Clara's brown locks. Clara smiled as she lightly kissed her way down to Vincent's breast, licking around the areola before wrapping her lips around the nipple and sucking on it hard. "Ahhh!" Vincent moaned as Clara sucked, licked and lightly bit on the erect nipple. As Clara did this, her hand went to Vincent's other breast, squeezing and pinching her other nipple. ""You like this, baby?" Clara asked, the nipple still in her mouth. "I love it." was the answer she got. "Then you'll love this!" she said before kissing her way down Vincent's torso to between her legs. Clara stopped before reaching Vincent's cunt and blew lightly on her slightly damp pussy. Taking the loud moan as a sign to continue, Clara aggressively pushed her mouth into Vincent's vagina and motor-boated her before sticking her tongue between her wet folds. "Oh gods!" Vincent moaned as a new type of pleasure washed over her. Clara licked viciously as she continued to motor-boat her companion. "Ahh, ahh... AHHH!" Vincent screamed as she came, her hips bucking uncontrollably. Clara's tongue moved to the bottom of Vincent's wet slit and slowly moved up to her clitoris. She dragged her tongue slowly and heavily around the bundle of nerves, torturously pleasuring the woman beneath her. Vincent shut her eyes tight and held her mouth closed, holding in a moan as she came again, her juices flowing onto the other woman's face. Clara kissed Vincent's cunt lips, giving them one final lick before she pulled away. She placed a couple kisses up Vincent's torso as she moved up her body. "So what do ya think?" Clara smiled flitatiously as she looked into Vincent's eyes. "That was incredible! I never felt anything like it!" she said breathlessly. "So jerking off was never that good?" Clara asked. "Not by a long shot!" her lover replied before they kissed. "If you liked that, you're gonna love this." Clara said as she inserted her middle finger into Vincent's soaking wet pussy. Vincent moaned louder than before as Clara moved her finger in and out rapidly. As she climaxed a third time, Vincent sat up, her chest pressing hard into Clara's breasts. "We aren't done yet." Clara said as she removed her finger, much to the dismay of her squeeze. Clara reached behind her and brought the dildo into view. "Now it's your turn to know what it's like to have a dick inside you." she said before sliding the dildo into Vincent's slick, wet folds. As she pumped the dildo inside Vincent, she reached down with her free hand and began fingering her own pussy. "Kiss me! Fucking kiss me you cunt!" Vincent hissed as the dildo slid in and out of her. Clara kissed her fiercely. Her lower body moving on its own accord to rub their pussies together, she decided 'fuck the dildo, I'll scissor this bitch'. She quickly discarded the dildo and rubbed her pussy against the other, both women moaning loudly. Cunts together, juices mixing, both women came violently, cum gushing from their snatches. Satisfied and exhausted from their fuck, they collapsed into a sweaty heap on the bed. Clara rested her head on Vincent's collarbone, her hand at the nape of Vincent's neck. "That was amazing!" she said tiredly dragging her hand over Vincent's sweaty skin. But now you're a woman, we can't keep calling you Vincent." she stated, her finger circling a still erect nipple. The other woman looked at her. "Then call me Vin." Clara looked in her eyes. "Vin huh? I like it." she said before lovingly kissing Vin. The kiss ended and they snuggled as they both fell asleep. "I swear those two are worse than teenagers." Delphine said as she walked out of her room. She looked around the bar and went "Seriously?!" Each table was raised noticeably where each guy in the bar was sitting. Back at the Riverwood Traders, Crownoh held his arms out slightly and said "Come on, everyone but me is getting laid!" Miria pulled her face out of Camilla's pussy and looked over her shoulder at him, light reflecting off the sweaty curve of her ass. "Damn right." she said before going back to eat Camilla out some more. Camilla looked at him and shrugged innocently.

The next day, Crownoh walked into the bar. "Wabbajack!" Grog shouted before turning one guy's chair into a toothpick chair. "For fucks sake man, come on!" the guy shouted. "What's he doing?" Crownoh asked. "Wabbajack!" The kettle in the middle of the bar exploded into shrimp. "Damn it Grog. Will you stop...uh... Wabbajacking off?" Crownoh said. Grog looked at him like he just had the most brillant idea in the world. "Wabbajacking off, huh? I like it." he proudly said, raising a finger and nodding it to him. "Fuck, man! Don't encourage him!" the bartender said. "Wabbajack!" Grog yelled before turning the bartender into a newt. The newt wiggled around on the floor for a few seconds before turning back into his human form. "I swear if you do that one more gods damn time I'm gonna ban you!" the bartender growled. "What's wrong?" Delphine asked as she walked out of her room. I swear she's always in there when shit goes down. "He turned me into a newt!" the bartender said pointing. "A newt?" Delphine asked not believing him. The bartender shifted his weight slightly. "...I got better..." he said. Noticing she was distracted, Grog snuck up behind Delphine and pulled her pants down so everyone could see her panties. Grog and all the other men in the bar started laughing at her. Dephine looked around, pulled her pants up and screamed in anger. "Uh oh..." Grog said before Delphine drop kicked him. Outside the bar, people could hear Delphine yelling, shit breaking and bar patrons screaming. "Oh shit, something's going down in the bar!" Miria said to Camilla (who were both outside wearing clothes this time). "Wanna go make love?" Camilla asked her. "Ok." Miria responded before they went arm in arm to the Riverwood Traders for sex. "Those poor, poor souls..." Alvor said looking at the bar. His wife came up behind him and said "Don't you feel sorry for them or I won't put out for a month!" "Yes dear." he quickly answered. Alvor's daughter came up to him. "Papa, what does 'put out' mean?" Alvor looked at her. "I'll tell you when you're older." he told her. She waited a few seconds and said "I'm older now.", causing her dad to face-palm.

That night, the cloaked figure that brought Trock, the big motherfucker from the cave, back to life, quietly entered the town. A guard walked up to him. "I'm sorry sir, but the town is closed right now." The cloaked figure whipped a bolt of magika at the guard. The bolt hit the man and disintegrated him. The guard's helmet was the only thing that didn't melt into goo. The figure drifted away from the helmet that was laying near the town entrance and went over to the decapitated body of Trock. The figure held out a gloved hand that once again began to glow purple/black as raw magika crackled around it. The cloaked being flung the orb at Trock who again began twitching as his head grew back. When his head was regrown, Trock stood up, his eyes still completely black and his teeth still fangs. "The world is fucked once again! I. AM. RE-..." A tree fell on top of Trock and squished him, blood and organs splattering all over the place. One of the two midget tree cutters looked over at Trock's now pancake sized body. "Damn it, not again!" Enraged, the cloaked figure hurled a fireball at the midgets, burning them alive. Hearing their screams, the entire town rushed outside. "What the fuck is going on?" Crownoh asked as he and Grog (both of which had at least one black eye, bruises and more than likely several broken ribs) rushed out of the bar. The cloaked figure turned its head to them, its hood falling off to reveal a vampire Argonian with no tail. "Crownoh!" the vampire hiss/screamed at them before its wings ripped through its cloak and flew away. "Well, there's something you don't see everyday." Lucien said as he looked to where the vampire vanished from sight. "Crownoh, are you ok?" Camilla yelled as she rushed over to him and embraced him." "Why are you still naked?" Lucien asked. "There are more important thing right now!" she scolded him before she but both hands on Crownoh's face and kissed him deep. "Hey, that's my man!" Miria, who was also still naked, yelled at her. "I don't see your name on him!" Camilla yelled back. "I'll show you!" Miria yelled as she tackled Camilla. The two naked women wrestled on the ground briefly before they started making out. Alvor's daughter pulled on his sleeve. "Papa, is that what putting out is?" "Time for bed!" Alvor said loudly before shooing his child back in the house.

"Fuck me, that's the dead guy's boss!" Crownoh said when he realized who it was. "Which dead guy?" Lucien inquired. "There's the town guard that was melted into goo, the midget tree cutters, Sven the bard and that big motherfucker that had his head blown off." "The big motherfucker. The one I killed like fifteen fucking times." Crownoh said before taking a shot of scotch. Mmm...scotch. "Shit, that fucking thing knew your name." Vin said as she sat next to him and poured him another shot. "You might wanna look into changing that." Miria said nodding the whole time. "But to what?" Crownoh asked. He looked around. Cup? No. Beer? Not a good idea since everyone might try to get free drinks from him. Chair? Nah, he didn't really want anyone to sit on him... unless it was an insanely hot woman. As he thought, another patron walked into the bar, his boots covered in mud. "Hey, wipe your fuckin' feet before you come in here." Delphine said to him. "Oh shit, sorry." the guy replied before wiping his feet on the mat. "Who wants chowder?" Grog asked as he walked over to his friends with several bowls of chowder. Crownoh slammed his fist on the table and yelled "THAT'S IT! THAT'S MY NEW NAME!" "Your new name is chowder?" Lucien asked. "No. Look at what that guy is standing on." Crownoh said pointing to the guy at the door. "A floor mat?" Clara asked as she cuddled up to her lover. "Yeah." Crownoh said. "From now on, my name is Matt. With two t's." he proudly said. Miria snickered. "Matt with two t's, that'll never stick." "Fuck you." Matt (formerly known as Crownoh) casually said to her. "Not yet you haven't." "That's what she said." Grog added. "Damn it." Miria growled.


End file.
